12: Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Transformers: Dark of the Moon – June 28, 2011
Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Rosie Huntington-Whitley, John Malkovich, Frances McDormand, Alan Tudyk, Tyrese Gibson, Josh Duhamel, John Tuturro, Patrick Dempsey
Written by: Ehren Kruger
Directed by: Michael Bay

The plot: The Autobots learn of a Cybertronian spacecraft hidden on the Moon, and race against the Decepticons to reach it and to learn its secrets. – IMDB

My thoughts: Transformers Dark of the Moon, how do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways. Just kidding, there isn’t a number high enough to allow me to do so. My brother downloaded this in hopes of playing a drinking game and laughing our asses off. Do you know what ended up happening? We hated our lives and wondered why we had decided to do this to ourselves. My brother fell asleep during the “climax” of the movie.

This movie is 2 hours and 25 minutes from opening scene to final scene – I’m not adding in credits. It is 2 and a half hours all on its own. While I firmly believe that this movie shouldn’t even have been made (though I get why it was, this shit slays at the box office), at the very least it should have been an hour and a half. The first three quarters of the movie were comprised of Shia LaBeouf feeling entitled and screaming, overtly sexual shots of the Megan Fox replacement, and a script that seemed to have been written by a schizophrenic. Oh and lots and lots of cars!

What baffled me most was the cast. Three of my favorites (Frances, John, and Alan), it was like a film/TV buff’s fantasy come to life. I would say that they were the saving graces of the movie, but there’s just no saving this movie. John Malkovich was his usual hilarious/scary self (I think he was wearing veneers? It only made him more unsettling to look at.) Frances McDormand was a sassy bitch, which I liked, but was in it for a hot two seconds. And Alan Tudyk, perhaps the epitome of a sci-fi geek’s dream, was…well I don’t even know what his character was. He seemed to be a German (Austrian? Somewhere over there, I think) butler to John Tuturro’s character who was some kind of ex-spy? I mean, I liked it – I’m all for Alan in any capacity but it was certainly strange.

And then there was the bit about Megan Fox not being there. Tiny little robots gave Sam Witwicky a pep talk about how the last girl didn’t respect him and couldn’t deal with his life, but that didn’t make much sense because ole’ Foxy’s character was around for two movies, I would say she was dealing with the Autobot life just fine. Plus, let me be real, if I were Sam’s ex-girlfriend and the world was for real being taken over by Decepticons, you’d better believe I would be showing up to his house asking for help.

For being a movie based on an 80s cartoon, the plot was slightly convoluted. Though maybe less full of plot holes than Revenge of the Fallen, there were still bits that made me go “Huh?” And more than anything, I was bored. I watch these movies because I like seeing shit get blown up. And the last 30 minutes were the only real explosions, and even then, it was lackluster.

So was anything good? Actually, there was one cool thing they did. At one point, a building is being split in half so the top is starting to tip over. Of course this makes for lots of sliding and falling action. At one point, Josh Duhamel yells “Jump out the windows!” and when they do, they start sliding down the building. And Michael Bay, with a stroke of genius, had the character shoot through the glass below them so that they would fall back into the building on a different floor. Actually quite clever. Now, if only the entire movie had been that clever.

I hated this movie. Hated it. I’m glad I didn’t spend any money on it but I’m upset that I bothered to watch it when I could have been watching Arrested Development reruns or catching up on The Killing. If it hadn’t been for the few bit roles, I might have killed myself so I could go to Robot Heaven and confront the Autobots up there.

NO STARS

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