42: Breaking Dawn: Part 1 (or Breaking Down with Laughter: Part 1)

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn (Part 1) – November 18, 2011
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, and a bunch of other people I don’t even want to link to
Written by: Melissa Rosenberg
Directed by: Bill Condon

The plot: “The Quileute and the Volturi close in on expecting parents Edward and Bella, whose unborn child poses different threats to the wolf pack and vampire coven.” – IMDB

My thoughts: Yeah, I paid to see Twilight and I’m questioning myself, so don’t bother trying to do it for me. I stared at my face in the mirror with shame for hours last night before breaking into tears and screaming “why, why, why?” to the gods above.)

So, let me start off with the good (yeah, there is some good.) Big mother-effing props to Academy Award winning director Bill Condon (as well as cinematographer Guillermo Navarro) for shooting a gorgeous film. At the very least, the movie was lovely to look at. Robert Pattinson looked normal (instead of like a giant douchebag with crazy hair or jaundiced in past movies.) Kristen Stewart and all the other women of the cast looked flawless and the scenery looked really wonderful.

And while I loathe the Twilight series and everyone is calling this one “boring”, I found this one to be perhaps the most compelling. For once, Bella wasn’t fretting between who loved her or which boy she loved and she wasn’t saying “turn me, turn me, turn me!” at every moment. There was a substantial plot and I feel like we finally got to know the characters (though I’m not sure they’re really worth knowing.

Acting? Maybe slightly improved. I don’t think I saw Kristen bite her lip one time which nearly sent my body into convulsions. However, I get that she’s supposed to be anxious or neurotic or whatever social impediment is “cool”, but I kept thinking she was going to vomit while walking down the aisle of her own wedding. She was sweating and shifty and jumpy and had the grimmest look ever one her face. And it didn’t go away until they were saying their vows. Meanwhile, Edward is grinning like a complete moron while his bride-to-be is probably having a panic-attack.

This is getting lengthy, but a loquacious girl and there’s just no getting around it. So let’s talk about the most memorable scenes from the movie.

1: The wolves psychically speaking to one another in their human voices. I don’t know who the hell did the voice editing for that scene and decided to make it echo-y and reverb-y, but I was crying from laughing so hard in the theater and I don’t think anyone was pleased with my cackles. And then there’s the fact that the Alpha wolf looks like Gmork from The Neverending Story (only one of the most perfect films in existence) and the voice acting was terrible. Maybe I’m wrong, but you’d think if you’re a mediocre actor, you’d be an equally mediocre voice actor, right? Not so, apparently.

2: So, Bella gets pregnant, there are some complications, and…Edward tears the baby out of her with his teeth? Despite the fact that they’re in a medical lab with scalpels and scissors and other medical instruments doctors like to use during a birthing. On one hand, I give them props for really going there with all the blood and the sound of veins and shit “crisping” as one of my friends called it. Even I, who loves horror and gore thought it was a little bit nasty. One girl had to exit the theater because of it.  On the other hand, I thought it was a bit unnecessary and weird. The baby looked completely disgusting covered in blood and placenta while everyone cooed and aww’d over what a sweet little thing it was.

Ultimately, it wasn’t good. It was Twilight – hasn’t that come to explain what kind of movie it is? Can we start applying that to other movies? “Oh, hey girl, do you think you’re going to see that movie New Year’s Eve when it comes out?” “What? No way, it looks so Twilight.” The saving graces were the visuals and the soundtrack (which was mostly good, as most of Twilight’s soundtracks randomly are.)

*

A quick final note: I was under the gooddamn impression that Lee Pace would be appearing in the first part, only to find that he WASN’T. So to any Lee Pace fans who want to see him all vamp’d out (because you know it’ll be hot), don’t bother seeing this one for him. I was utterly heartbroken.

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