All right, motherfuckers. The time has come: the red band trailer for Piranha 3DD is online and it is glorious. Some of you might scoff and say “Piranha 3DD? How low-brow, how trashy, how…*sniff* unnecessary” and those of you that say that are completely right and that it is why it will be spectacular. Dear readers, those reasons and all the ones I’ll be discussing in but a moment are why I will be seeing this movie in the theater with 3D glasses placed over my real glasses. Now, let’s get down to business and talk about why this trailer kicks so much ass!
1. Waterpark. Already awesome. I will live vicariously through these spry, youthful 20-somethings lounge about without a care in the world and then relish the moment when they get bits of them chomped off by mutant piranhas. Spoiler alert, sorry.
2. Oh! This is a topless waterpark. I mean, I’m not one to need the boobs, but it certainly does make everything funnier. That girl just got smacked in the tit with a beach ball!
3. Strippers? Water-certified strippers? They’re in the joke and in this case, it makes it so much better.
4. Scratch that – not topless but NUDE waterpark. Going to see yabbos as well as vagina.
5. Kids getting eaten by – what did he call it? A “prannis”? A “paraniss?” – whatever, they’re getting eaten.
6. CHRISTOPHER LLLOYD!
7. Okay, perfect, these piranha’s are ditching the natural water and going straight for pipes and drains. That means they’ll be everywhere. It’s a piranha plague!
8. This interaction between this guy and girl in a lake is perfection. Does he think he has some limb on him that is biting her? Under the water? As a type of foreplay?
9. Enter: Hasselhoff.
11. Oh my God, what is that guy from The Office wearing? Kill it with fire!
12. Good Lord. Does she have a piranha inside of her that went full-on vagina dentata on her boyfriend’s penis?
13. DID SAID BOYFRIEND JUST GRAB A KNIFE AND THEN THRUST IT DOWNWARD TOWARD HIS PENIS?
14. Dude just bit a piranha’s head off. Gross.
15. Oh. OH. That’s what the two D’s in the title meant? I thought they just didn’t know how to get the point across that it was a follow up to Piranha 3D while still…you know what, never mind. We all got it.
17. Holy mother of GOD. Not only is Ving Rhames back for this movie, he’s going to wield guns and those guns are attached to HIS LEG STUMPS BECAUSE THEY GOTTEN BITTEN OFF BY PIRANHAS IN THE LAST MOVIE. How is this movie going to be anything less than amazeballs?
18. I’m sorry, rewind. Was that Gary Busey?
19. Re-enactment of the bathtub scene from Nightmare on Elm Street only replace Freddy’s glove with a piranha.
And that, my friends, is why come June 1st, I will be in a movie theater with a big bag of popcorn, watching this movie and wishing it would never end. The only thing I am truly disappointed about is the fact that Adam Scott will not be in this one. “Why is that?” you might ask. I’ll just leave this here and you can find out for yourselves: