97: Red Lights (Robert DeNiro is in this – don’t get too excited)

Okay, so I feel shameful about the last two months – I’ve been a complete and utter failure when it comes to this blog. Let’s just forget it and pretend it never happened. Moving on.

Red Lights – July 13, 2012
Starring: Cillian Murphy, Sigourney Weaver, Robert DeNiro
Written and directed by: Rodrigo Cortes

The plot: “Psychologist Margaret Matheson and her assistant study paranormal activity, which leads them to investigate a world-renowned psychic who has resurfaced years after his toughest critic mysteriously passed away.” – IMDB

Red Lights? Just okay. I mostly watched it because:

A. Robert DeNiro. I’m not even entirely sure how I feel about him as an actor, I just know that I’m compelled to see things that are “starring Robert DeNiro.” I feel like I’m obligated to as a human being. No? Just me? Well, fine.
B. I think Sigourney Weaver is kind of a badass so yeah, I like watching shit starring the ol’ Sigournz.
C. (This is by far the most important point, FYI.) I want to put my body all over Cillian Murphy’s and I will offer no apologies for that sentiment. I want to press my stuff against his and hear him talk in his sweet, sweet Irish accent, and brush his beautiful hair across my face, and…well, I don’t want to turn this into an erotic fiction/fantasy post.


Sorry. Let’s not and say I didn’t. Let’s get back to business.

The movie was about debunking psychics and extrasensory perception and all that hogwash.

Look at that face. That is the epitome of perfection. I wish to bask in his beauty for eternity.

Wait. I’ve got a question. If debunking is disproving the existence of something, is bunking proving it? When someone says to me “I drink the leftover milk from Fruity Pebbles,” can I then say “BUNK IT, ASSHOLE!” and then hand him a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and then I proceed to either bunk or debunk it?

Anyway, the movie is about that above and spends a majority of the time saying “Hey. This shit is all fake and we’re just going to reveal someone who fooled everyone real good,” and then the end is a ~twist~ basically saying “You guys thought it was fake? IT ISN’T! In fact, our main character has been displaying ESP this whole time and you just didn’t even realize it.”

I think someone may have pulled the plot of this movie out of a trash can in a diner in which M. Night Shamalamabingbang ate a bacon cheeseburger*. I imagine his ideas went something like this:

(written on a cocktail napkin, ‘natch)

Investigator A and B out to prove paranormal stuff FAKE.
Robert DeNiro is awesome but a phony. Very mysterious to lead audience in wrong direction.
Emphasize how FAKE all the ESP stuff is. Make sure lots of mystery surrounds DeNiro. Shrouded in shadows. Sharp violins whenever he is on screen. Dress him all in black. He is an enigma.
Investigator A dies for no reason. Adds to mystery. Leave unanswered to make everything more puzzling. RED HERRING.
Investigator B has ESP! He’s had it all along!

(This is a lot of plot planning. He may have opened the napkin up. I’d imagine there are some tears in the paper because napkins in diners are just not high quality. They disintegrate with a mere drop of water. Imagine what a pointy pen could do!)

There was a fair amount of intrigue going on. I wanted to know when Cillian Murphy would be taking his clothes off and for how long they would remain off (it never happened. Not once.) I wanted to know when Cillian would use his real accent (he didn’t do this and frankly it would have been odd and out of character if he had.) I wanted to know when a goddamn ghost would appear (not one goddamn ghost or spirit or apparition or Casper.)

So what’s the verdict? Much like an M. Night Shapoopie movie where most people say “Eh…maybe this one will deliver. Maybe this one will be y’know, like, good.” This is the wrong train of thought.

Only watch this movie if you want to see perfect hair, beautiful cheekbones, and a big full mouth that could really…form words really well.

*Twist: M. Night Sham-Wow is a vegetarian. Flashbacks to M. Night Shampoo only ever eating veggies. IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

Stars: 1/5


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