The Host (2013)

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Okay, maybe I did read ‘The Host’ by Stephenie “I Have the Same Emotional Depth and Writing Abilities as a 13-Year-Old-Girl” Meyer. What of it? You wanna say something? Say it.

And while the book was a step up – a step, you’re still in the cellar, you’re just a little bit closer to the door – from the Twilight series, it still wasn’t great. I appreciated the idea behind it. Souls take over a body and they’ve been doing it on 12 different planets before getting to Earth. There is a resistance, love conquers all, blah blah blah.

I’m sure there’s some symbolic something or another in regard to this story. You know, something about what makes a person a person. Something about religion, something about love, so on and so forth. I’m not trying to get all Spring Breakers on this movie. Not even a little bit worth it.

The Host was sooo melodramatic. Lots of near-tears scenes, lots of kissing, lots of building trust, lots of “aw c’mon, humans can’t be that bad. I’ll bet aliens would even like us!” As much as I love Saorsie Ronan (that girl is a badass), her screaming “MONSTERS!” when she found out the people in the resistance she was slowly becoming a part of were trying to figure out a way to take the souls out of the human hosts, thereby killing the souls, was laughable.

Plus, Melanie/Wanda is the least flawed person ever. One guy goes from wanting to kill her (the soul, Wanda) to being in love with her in a few days. She never does anything wrong. She just keeps doing everything she can to help the human stuck inside her (well, really, the soul is stuck in her but…you get it?) and the humans who are sheltering her and slowly coming to trust her. Bitch doesn’t step out of line. She just keeps giving weepy mini-speeches and helping. Give me a break. And the other guy, the guy who loves the human, Melanie, shows zero emotion in regard to his lady (kind of) kissing another guy. In fact, all three of them hardly ever have scenes together. There is never a conversation about the oddity of the threesome since it’s a foursome between three bodies. I don’t know.

It was an okay looking movie. They were in caves for a lot of tit but they’re big desert canyon things (I’ll hand it to them: the movie looked exactly like I had imagined it when I read the book. Props on that), so I guess it was kind of grand and pretty. And the souls were very high-techy. A little bit Gattaca.

I don’t know. I honestly don’t have a whole lot of an opinion on this. It was a slightly better and sci-fi take on Twilight. Fewer abusive relationships, a little more character development, a slightly more original plot. It was an okay way to spend a Saturday night. But in reality, the Oreos I ate were more of a highlight for me. Then again, I like really love Oreos.

* star

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