Parker (2013)

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By now, if you know me or if you’ve read a handful of reviews I’ve written, you’ve probably realized that I:

A. Love heist movies
B. Can’t say no to Jason Statham

So yeah, I’m spending the morning watching a movie that incorporates the two. A little movie called Parker, which also stars…J.Lo. I’m writing this bit before watching the movie. I am anticipating: sexy times between J and J, a lot of gunfire, at least one explosion, and a tired plot.

But I don’t care. BECAUSE I AIN’T TRYNA THINK. Now. I’m going to grab some Oreos, a huge glass of milk, and indulge in awful.

Apparently the opening of this movie, which takes place at the Ohio State Fair, was ACTUALLY SHOT in Ohio. And I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there to get arrested after my attempt to rub Jason Statham’s bald head and rippling abs. I could cry, you guys.

As predicted, this movie was boooooring. Jason Statham getting revenge on people and being a badass doing it. But all the same, nothing about the movie was interesting. It was predictable. Just to spoil it – he gets revenge. On everyone. There is never a question as to whether or not he will. He will. And he does.

For a bit of the movie, he’s pretending to be from Texas. Now, I’ve never been to Texas but I know that whatever was coming out of his mouth was not even close to what people from Texas sound like. The most Texas thing about him was his big ol’ cowboy hat. He wasn’t even wearing spurs! And everyone knows that if you’re from Texas, you have to wear spurs at all times.

Can someone please tell me what’s been going on with Nick Nolte for his whole life? When he first came on screen, I thought he was wearing a fucked up prosthetic face. Look at this:

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Parker was a most unfortunate movie. Typically, I can enjoy a Jason Statham movie because you can always count on it to be absurd and over-the-top and so beyond the realm of possible that you just buy into it. This movie was just…blah. It was like going to Chipotle and getting a tortilla filled with just brown rice when I wanted a whole fucking burrito! With steak and guac and two kinds of salsa and sour cream and a mountain of cheese.

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