4: Sucker Punch (got me good, Zack Snyder, you dick)

Sucker Punch – March 25, 2011
Starring: Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone, Vanessa Hudgens, Jenna Chung, Jon Hamm (for like a hot minute), Carla Gugino, Oscar Isaac
Written by: Zack Snyder, Steve Shibuya
Directed by: Zack Snyder

The plot: “A young girl is institutionalized by her abusive stepfather. Retreating to an alternative reality as a coping strategy, she envisions a plan which will help her escape from the mental facility.” – IMDB

My thoughts: Before this movie came out, I was geeking out big time over the trailer. The music, the premise, the way it looked. And now? Boring, boring, boring. So very unfortunate.

First things first, I do not believe that Emily Browning could have been any more lackluster in her performance as a girl bound and determined to escape from a mental institution. With her big pouty lips and her remarkably expressionless face, she made good on her character’s name of Babydoll. With the exception of Aussie actress Abbie Cornish, who gave her character Sweet Pea some depth, all the other girls were completely uninteresting.

One person who gave a good performance was Oscar Isaac, (who in my opinion is totally a clone of David Krumholtz) as Blue Jones, the man running the institution/club and was effectively deplorable and creepy and utterly vile. He had a thin mustache, much like that of Gomez Addams, and always seemed to be maniacally grinning.

David Krumholtz vs Oscar Isaac

Right? It's like if David Krumholtz were a bit less geeky and a bit more sexy/rugged? Amiright?

I’ll only take a minute to talk about the soundtrack. I loved the inclusion of Bjork’s “Army of Me” because that song is wonderful and worked so well with what the tone of the movie should have been the whole time. And the cover of Jefferson Airplane’s “White Rabbit” by Emiliana Torrini is gorgeous. Not so awesome? A cover of Pixies “Where Is My Mind?” I love that band and I love that song but can it just be over? I feel like it, or a version of it at least, is in every single thing.

I love a good action movie – shit getting blown up, lots of blood, all kinds of weapons. But in all honesty, I found Zack Snyder’s action sequences a bit uninspired. I wanted to feel overcome with female badassery and humored by the ridiculous feats but I was just bored. There was a dragon – a God damn dragon – and I found myself wondering when they’d get to the conclusion.

And when they finally did get to the conclusion? Yawn. Exactly what you thought was going to happen was going to happen. You knew the ending before anything really started happening. I guess it was supposed to have some sort of message with Abbie Cornish ending the movie with a voiceover saying, “Who decides why we live and what we’ll die to defend? Who chains us and who holds the key that can set us free? It’s you. You have all the weapons you need, now fight.” If this is some sort of social commentary about unchaining ourselves from restrictions and government and Big Brother and economic failure…it didn’t work. I didn’t get a rush of adrenaline where I wanted to fight – literally or figuratively – anyone or anything. I just want to go back and rewatch the latest episode of Pretty Little Liars.

Stars: 1/5