The Longest, Most Unnecessary Play-by-Play of Abduction (2011)

I’m watching fucking Abduction starring Sharkboy Werewolf Lautner tonight and I can hardly wait. This is going to be the best worst thing I’ve done in a while.

I’m going to do this shit timeline style. The important stuff ALLEGEDLY happens over 24 hours.

So, the movie opens with Nathan Jacob riding on top of a truck – not even cool Teen Wolf style – telling his friends to go faster and that they “got bitches waiting” but once they get to high school, not one “bitch” is waiting for them.

After a night of high school style partying, Jacob returns home only to get into a super intense “sparring” match re: his father, Lucius Malfoy is beating the shit out of his son. But it’s their workout and they have gloves on so…

Someone get those caterpillars off that girl's face!

Someone get those caterpillars off that girl’s face!

Jacob is in love with his next door neighbor, Phil Collins daughter or as I am going to call her: Eyebrows. Clearly, there is some UST between Jacob and Eyebrows. But don’t worry – they get paired together for a high school sociology project. And what do they choose? Missing kids.

So they’re surfing the web – only after they have touched their shoulder skin together for a brief moment – and they happen upon a site that shows missing kids and mock ups of what they might look like today. They look at two kids and their age progressions all the while laughing about what celebrity hybrid they look like.

02“Jason Statham meets Justin Bieber. LOLZ HAHAHA” and then “Ryan Seacrest meets…LADY GAGA. OMG! SO FUNNY!” So they’re laughing at these poor missing kids’ expense when out of nowhere, one of them kind of looks like Jacob. Kind of. So Jacob manages to find the exact same fucking stained toddler shirt packed away in some dresser and his mind is blown. He was definitely missing and then stolen.

7 PM: So the minute he confronts his “mother”, assassins show up and kill his “parents.” And then, just as Jacob is screaming at one of the guys “WHO ARE YOU?! WHO ARE YOU?! WHAT’S GOING ON?!” the assassin says “I’ll tell you everything. But I won’t die here. There’s a bomb in the oven.”

Screen Shot 2013-03-08 at 10.09.05 PMWhat? Jacob and Eyebrows (yes, she’s there, too) race to the oven and indeed find a bomb – it looks like something the Wiley Coyote would use on the Road Runner – is counting down and they get out of there. Meanwhile, the guy who said he wouldn’t die there? He dies there. By his own wiley hand.

Now they’re on the run. They go to the hospital because Eyebrows scraped herself (honestly, she gets a band-aid) and Jacob makes a call but immediately, the C.I.A. answers. But Jacob isn’t having that. HE TRUSTS NO ONE. Then he runs into his psychiatrist, Sigourney Weaver, and lo and behold, she’s a friend of his real father and wants to save them. She does. She informs them that some Serbian guy is after a list his father stole and wants to use Jacob as…blackmail? I don’t know. Anyway, the C.I.A. wants to protect him (but Sigourney doesn’t buy it. She thinks someone inside wants to get rid of him) and some Serbian gang wants to capture him. The leader of the pack set up a bunch of phony, weird ‘missing kids’ websites to lure Jacob into revealing his location. These websites have only existed for 10 days. Really?

8 PM: Jacob and Eyebrows end up in the woods and they fall asleep.

8 AM: The teenagers wake up, hitchhike with a trucker 6 hours to Virginia where there is a “safe house.”

2 PM: They show up at the address Sigourney gave to them. It’s really Jacob’s father’s apartment. Jacob looks through stuff and sniffs his dad’s clothes. Stupid Eyebrows makes an outgoing call from a landline and it connects to the C.I.A. Again. They leave after helping themselves to his father’s BMW.

3 PM: Then they get back into their car and go back to Pennsylvania, yet another 6 hour drive. Some clues lead them to believe they should go to Nebraska but Jacob is wise – they need to ditch that car. They get some fake IDs so they can travel without being caught and jump on the ol’ AMTRAK.

4 PM: They get on the train but of course, there’s some Serbian guy out to get them. After some weird but intense making out, Eyebrows says she’d like to get some food. So she goes – by herself – to get the food and the weird Serbian man follows her. Rather than follow her all the way to their compartment, he jumps her and makes her tell him where the Werewolf is. Brilliant. Jacob kills the bad guy by throwing him out of the moving train. They are almost to Cincinnati at this point. Let’s say they were on the train for 4 hours.

8 PM: The C.I.A stops the train and Jacob and Eyebrows get the fuck out of dodge. But of course, the C.I.A finds them and plays nice. Alfred Molina, head of C.I.A says “you’ve been on the run for 22 hours” (I have 25 hours by my count and it’s also still broad daylight. What the fuck universe is this?) “I’ll buy you guys milkshakes and burgers.”

Screen Shot 2013-03-08 at 9.30.50 PMThey go to a diner and sit right in front of a huuuuuge fucking window – by far the safest location. Jacob figures out that Alfred Molina’s name is on the list, which is full of American Agents who have given information to other countries that want to take down the U.S. So Jacob is like nuh. uh. But all of a sudden, Serbians are shooting the place up so YET AGAIN, Jacob and Eyebrows are on their own. At this point, they’re somewhere in Ohio.

9 PM: Still broad daylight. Jacob stole a car – I don’t know when or where he learned to do that. He also reveals that he stole the phone off the guy from the train. Quite the little thief, Sharkboy. Serbian villain calls them and says “Convenient thing about cell phones, they can be turned into listening devices as well.” Sure, Serbian man. Sure. He then tells Jacob that if he doesn’t hand over the list, he’ll kill everyone from Jacob’s friends to his “boring teachers” to “every friend [he has] on Facebook.” This man is hip. Let’s say at best they’re in Athens, OH. Here’s a 3 hour drive to Pittsburgh.

Midnight: Still, the sun is out. Jacob meets up with one of his friends and keeps saying “DID YOU DO WHAT I ASKED?!” and the kid confirms he did indeed do what he asked. Jacob has decided that “the drop” will be at the Pittsburgh Pirates game. Jacob goes in and hides a ticket for Serbian villain to pick up. Meanwhile, Eyebrows waits to see Serbian villain get the tickets and snaps some photos to send to Jacob so Jacob knows who he’s dealing with. Kind of clever but ultimately, doesn’t matter.

Again, Jacob is at a Pittsburgh Pirates game at midnight where it looks to be high noon. Jacob’s real dad calls him and says, “Don’t do this son! Please! I lost you once and I don’t want to lose you again. Please, let the authorities handle this. I want to re-adopt you!” Okay, maybe a bit dramatic but you get the gist. And Jacob chooses to be a petulant, bitter child and responds with, “You had 15 years for that. I’m done waiting.”

Screen Shot 2013-03-08 at 10.11.32 PMJacob and the villain sit next to each other and have a tense discussion, though the Serbian man does reveal that he doesn’t know anything about baseball but he does love popcorn. Me too, man. Well, the popcorn. I understand baseball. It’s not that difficult of a game to grasp.

Then, it’s revealed that a gun has been duct taped to the bottom of Jacob’s chair. Let me get this straight, I’m to believe that A. Some kid slipped into a stadium with a gun? B. He duct taped said gun to a chair with no one saying “Hey, what the fuck are you doing with a weapon and duct tape?!” C. That Jacob would, what? Wield a gun like a lunatic in a stadium full of Pittsburgh people who ain’t havin’ none of that shit?! Yinz must be kiddin’!

Serbian man manages to get the gun. A chase ensues. Jacob’s father calls him and says “I’m here son. Lead him to the parking lot.” And just as it looks like all hope is lost, dad follows through and shoots the Serbian man in the street. People don’t seem to react the shooting. Although, it is Pittsburgh. Just kidding, I think you’re okay, Pittsburgh.

2 AM: SUNLIGHT TOUCHES EVERY PART OF THE LAND. Dad and Jacob talk on the phone. Dad is Dermott Mulroney (full face never revealed but I knew the moment I heard his voice). Jacob wants to meet but Dad says “nope!” and then Sigourney Weaver shows up. She tells Jacob he can live with her until, y’know, life.

The messed up thing is that the movie is called ABDUCTION and not one single person the whole fucking time was ever or is ever abducted. WHAT?! It should have at least been called “Abduction”. At least.

I spent way too much time and too many words on this. Looking back, I don’t know why I did this.

* star: some kind of cool action sequences. Plus some good actors in a strange movie.