57: I Don’t Know How She Does It

I Don’t Know How She Does It – September 16, 2011
Starring: Sarah Jessica Parker, Greg Kinnear, Pierce Brosnan, Olivia Munn, Christina Hendricks
Written by: Aline Brosh McKenna
Directed by: Douglas McGrath

The plot: “A comedy centered on the life of Kate Reddy, a finance executive who is the breadwinner for her husband and two kids.” – IMDB

Welcome all of my lovely readers to the first live blog at threesixfivefilm. The film to be reviewed (and subsequently torn apart)? I Don’t Know How She Does It starring Carrie Bradshaw Sarah Jessica Parker. Read along while you watch if you feel like subjecting yourself what is probably one of the worst movies of the year.

@ 00:50 – Christina Hendricks is gushing about how ah-maaaaah-zing SJP is. How did I never realize how annoying Christina’s voice is? It doesn’t sound like this on Mad Men, does it?

@ 03:52 – After a hard day’s work, SJP claims “not too tired for you to put it in, Greg Kinnear.” Why do I foresee her being asleep when Greg returns to the room?

@ 04:07 – SJP is asleep. Predictable.

@ 06:25 – SJP’s daughter is a little brat who can’t accept that her mom works and travels. ONLY CARTOONS CAN SATIATE SUCH HATRED.

@ 06:37 – Cute to Christina still gushing in interview/documentary form. Am confused; what kind of movie is this? A mockumentary? A documentary? Is this just the style the director chose? Does Christina single white female the shit out of SJP in the end? That would make this next hour and a half worth it.

@ 08:10 – Oh, they have a nanny! And I’m supposed to be stunned that she somehow “does it all” when she leaves her kids alone for…9-10 hours a day? I think I know how she does it.

@ 10:11 – Busy Phillips sighting. This movie just got not completely entirely horrible.

@ 11:11 – Okay, so apparently there are these things called “Momsters” and they move in slo-mo and…is this a not funny Mean Girls 20 years later? I rescind my previous comment; the movie remains horrible.

@ 12:10 – SJP is trying to tell her boss (Frasier Krane) why she’s late. Despite having a lot of pretty top notch lies (or just telling him to fuck off), she chooses to say “mammogram.” Ah, nothing like a little “Well, I might have cancer,” lie to get the boss off your back!

@ 13:48 – SETH MEYERS? Why are good people in this movie? Greg, Busy, and Seth. I am completely astounded.

@ 14:50 – Enter Seth Meyers as the mega-douche commenting on double standards and how the shininess of shoes between sexes is a double standard. (Apparently people really care about the shine of a man’s shoe but a woman’s can be covered in horse shit. Who cares!) I can’t figure out if this movie is full of misogyny, misandry, or just hate for all humans everywhere.

@ 15:40 – SJP gets to go meet with some fancy corporate head person (Pierce Brosnan) in NY! You’re perfect! You have a job and two kids…and a nanny and an assistant and loads of money!!!

@ 16:13 – I guess Olivia Munn is the uptight, work-is-the-only-thing-that-matters, I’m-a-robot assistant. Come on, this trope? Really?

@ 19:19 – New York establishing montage scenes, as is customary in every movie!

@ 20:42 – SJP itching her head? Claims “stress eczema.” Bitch, you got lice!

@ 22:10 – Text to SJP’s phone “Emily SNT home with LICE. Whole family must b treated.” I’m just saying – either I am a psychic or this movie is painfully predictable.

@ 25:17 – Busy Phillips throwing shade at SJP for her kids getting lice because they’re dirty. Come on, B, what kind of mom are you? Lice are typically more attracted to lean hair.

@ 25:48 – Holy shit, they’re walking into a store called Lice Enders. can this be real? Are there entire (what looks to be) salons devoted to the removal of lice?

@ 34:34 – Late nights with the new partner/friend/whatever? Pierce Brosnan, I think you’re about to have a raging hard-on for SJP.

@ 38:30 – MONTAGE!

@ 39:30 – SJP and Greg symbolically watching His Girl Friday. Oh I get it, SJP is torn between just being a mom/wife or having a career.

@ 41:15 – Pierce Brosnan signing e-mails XO.

@ 42:40 – Oh God, Olivia Munn is pregnant and wants to abort it, but not before SJP guilt trips her with a Carrie Bradshaw-worthy speech about how amazing being a mom is. Is this going to turn into a right-wing, anti-abortion movie?

@ 46:20 – Oh, dig at Cleveland and it’s lack of famous sites from Pierce Brosnan. Good one – THERE’S THE ROCK HALL AND OTHER STUFF, YOU DICK.

@ 47:00 – Pierce and SJP go bowling. “See? We’re real people! We’re not just Wall Streeters or whatever, we stick our fingers in balls and wear stinky, ugly shoes, too! Just like you guys!”

@ 51:10 – SJP trying to make plans now that her project is calming down? Sorry, girl, you about to get slammed and Greg Kinnear will not be pleased.

@ 51:55 – Surprise! Olivia Munn is having the baby. But that doesn’t mean she’s suddenly all touchy-feely! Only about the baby.

@ 52:33 – “Being pregnant doesn’t feel awesome. Feels like a mistake. But lots of people have babies as mistakes.” Perfect. Perfect way of looking at your pregnancy. This won’t have any negative repercussions (well, probably not in the movie but in real life? Loads.)

@ 58:00 – Uh oh, something’s come up and you have to get to a meeting on Thanksgiving. Family or job? Job! But don’t worry. In 35 more minutes, I’ll figure out a way to balance the two out and we’ll all have learned a valuable lesson.

@ 1:02:51 – Pierce almost just told SJP he loves her. Quelle surprise!

@ 1:04:10 – Okay, so Olivia Munn is trying to tell SJP that Pierce is going to take all of the credit for their project, but he insists she join him at a lunch with the investor (or something) because they’re a team. And yet, Olivia Munn doesn’t get invited because what did she do except all the research!

@ 1:09:00 – Everything is going perfectly at work but at home, oh her life is crumbling down around her. You have to forgive me, Greg. You have to forgive me. You have forgive me. You have to. You have to forgive me Greg. Greg, you have to forgive me.

@ 1:11:11 – You know, it might be wrong of me to say but SJP has way more in common and way more chemistry with Pierce Brosnan. Maybe she should just…get with him? He’s a refined gentleman and dat accent!

@ 1:12:30 – Holy Christ, is SJP a grown-up manic pixie dream girl to Pierce Brosnan’s cynical loner?

@ 1:13:40 – “Reasons it’s okay if I don’t work at Edwin-Morgan-Forrester anymore…because trying to be a man is a waste of a woman.” I can’t. I can’t even.

@ 1:15:30 – So, I told my boss I couldn’t be as available as he hoped and he said it was okay. Ha, bet things would have been a bit easier if I had just done that to begin with. Hindsight and all that. We’re fine now!

@ 1:16:00 – Carrie Bradshaw speech.

@ 1:18:45 – Oh look at that, Olivia Munn had that baby and she loves him, it made her whole or human or whatever. Was this movie funded by the American Family Association?

@ 1:20:020 – Finally, SJP’s classic big dumb grin. And Pierce and Christina got together. It all worked out in the end!

Roll credits, roll eyes. I don’t know who this movie was made for. Probably moms who would watch this and go “Oh god, that’s totally me,” or they would say “Shut up, SJP. Your life is easy compared to mine.” Because some women have four or five kids, are single, have to leave the kids with a family member, and then work two different jobs and spend two hours in total at home with their kids just to barely pay the bills.

Also, this movie featured zero people of color, zero people of different classes, and zero people standing for “alternative lifestyles.” It was a big, entitled, conservative WASP-fest.

And I still don’t know how/why people were being interviewed. What was the point and how did it even kind of logically fit in to the narrative style?