Everyone, Stop What You’re Doing – This is a Real Movie

There is a movie coming out and it’s called Homefront.

It stars Jason Statham. James Franco. Winona Ryder. And a child.

Jason Statham is a British agent that works for the DEA in America. Jason’s daughter kicks some kid’s ass at school after he bullies her. Kid’s mom sends in the dad, James Franco, who is also a druglord, to terrorize Jason Statham. Jason Statham hulks out. Jason Statham’s daughter is kidnapped. Movie turns into Taken.

This movie was written by Sylvester fucking Stallone.

You guys, I need it like air.

 

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(The First) Trailer Party!

Welcome to the very first Trailer Party. A party in which I post some trailers for movies I’m pretty jazzed about. That’s all – easy, peasy, right?


The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

This looks way better than The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. I’m going to be real, if Lee Pace could be in every scene, I’d be a happy camper. That man is…unreal. Oh, and I love dragons. And even Evangeline Lily looks pretty kickass.


Filth

What. In. The. Fuck. I don’t know whether I’m extremely excited for tremendously terrified to see James McAvoy like this. I vaguely remember sort of reading Irvine Welsh’s book (which this movie is based on) when I was much, much, much too young to be reading such…well, filth.

I’ll be at this opening day.


The East

I kind of dig Brit Marling. She started writing her own movies simply because she wanted to play certain characters in them, so she made it happen. Good for her. And she’s making cool, thought-provoking films. Plus, Alexander Skarsgard. Sorry guys, I’m boy-crazy.


Closed Circuit

Hm? What’s that? An English thriller/drama you say? Okay, I’m in. Honestly, it might be no good but I can’t not. Look at all those nice neutral colors and pleasant accents. Nice.


Runner, Runner

Uh…y’know, I’m at a loss with this one. Might end up being a surprise or it will be a flop as most will definitely predict.

Trailer Breakdown: Piranha 3DD

All right, motherfuckers. The time has come: the red band trailer for Piranha 3DD is online and it is glorious. Some of you might scoff and say “Piranha 3DD? How low-brow, how trashy, how…*sniff* unnecessary” and those of you that say that are completely right and that it is why it will be spectacular. Dear readers, those reasons and all the ones I’ll be discussing in but a moment are why I will be seeing this movie in the theater with 3D glasses placed over my real glasses. Now, let’s get down to business and talk about why this trailer kicks so much ass!

1. Waterpark. Already awesome. I will live vicariously through these spry, youthful 20-somethings lounge about without a care in the world and then relish the moment when they get bits of them chomped off by mutant piranhas. Spoiler alert, sorry.
2. Oh! This is a topless waterpark. I mean, I’m not one to need the boobs, but it certainly does make everything funnier. That girl just got smacked in the tit with a beach ball!
3. Strippers? Water-certified strippers? They’re in the joke and in this case, it makes it so much better.
4. Scratch that – not topless but NUDE waterpark. Going to see yabbos as well as vagina.
5. Kids getting eaten by – what did he call it? A “prannis”? A “paraniss?” – whatever, they’re getting eaten.
6. CHRISTOPHER LLLOYD!
7. Okay, perfect, these piranha’s are ditching the natural water and going straight for pipes and drains. That means they’ll be everywhere. It’s a piranha plague!
8. This interaction between this guy and girl in a lake is perfection. Does he think he has some limb on him that is biting her? Under the water? As a type of foreplay?
9. Enter: Hasselhoff.
10. BLOOD.
11. Oh my God, what is that guy from The Office wearing? Kill it with fire!
12. Good Lord. Does she have a piranha inside of her that went full-on vagina dentata on her boyfriend’s penis?
13. DID SAID BOYFRIEND JUST GRAB A KNIFE AND THEN THRUST IT DOWNWARD TOWARD HIS PENIS?
14. Dude just bit a piranha’s head off. Gross.
15. Oh. OH. That’s what the two D’s in the title meant? I thought they just didn’t know how to get the point across that it was a follow up to Piranha 3D while still…you know what, never mind. We all got it.
16. VING.
17. Holy mother of GOD. Not only is Ving Rhames back for this movie, he’s going to wield guns and those guns are attached to HIS LEG STUMPS BECAUSE THEY GOTTEN BITTEN OFF BY PIRANHAS IN THE LAST MOVIE. How is this movie going to be anything less than amazeballs?
18. I’m sorry, rewind. Was that Gary Busey?
19. Re-enactment of the bathtub scene from Nightmare on Elm Street only replace Freddy’s glove with a piranha.

And that, my friends, is why come June 1st, I will be in a movie theater with a big bag of popcorn, watching this movie and wishing it would never end. The only thing I am truly disappointed about is the fact that Adam Scott will not be in this one. “Why is that?” you might ask. I’ll just leave this here and you can find out for yourselves:

Most anticipated of 2012 – Part III

Same as last time only entirely different.

MAY

The Avengers – May 4
The S.H.I.E.L.D. agency brings together a team of superhumans to help save the Earth from annihilation by extraterrestrial invaders.

*this trailer. It makes me feel like I might pee my pants. All of my favorites in a comic book movie+Nine Inch Nails in the trailer.

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel – May 4
British retirees travel to India to take up residence in what they believe is a newly restored hotel. Less luxurious than its advertisements, the Marigold Hotel nevertheless slowly begins to charm in unexpected ways.

*it may be full of old people, but they’re some of my favorite old people.

Dark Shadows – May 11
A gothic-horror tale centering on the life of vampire Barnabas Collins and his run-ins with various monsters, witches, werewolves and ghosts. Based on the cult TV series.

*I’m a little bit torn as Burton and Depp only sometimes work for me, but I can’t not. You know?

Men in Black III – May 23
Agent J time-jumps back to the 1960s, where an alien with its sights on the younger version of Agent K poses a threat to the future of the MIB organization — and humankind’s very existence.

Moonrise Kingdom – May 25
Set on an island off the coast of New England in the 1960s, the film follows a young boy and girl (newcomers Jared Gilman and Kara Hayward) falling in love. When they are moved to run away together, various factions of the town mobilize to search for them and the town is turned upside down – which might not be such a bad thing. Bruce Willis plays the town sheriff; Edward Norton is cast as a camp leader; and Bill Murray and Frances McDormand portray the young girl’s parents. Also in the cast are Tilda Swinton and Jason Schwartzman.
*my Edward Norton in a Wes Anderson movie alongside my Jason Schwartzman? And Bruce? And Tilda? And Frances? And Bill? This can’t be real.

JUNE

Snow White and the Huntsman – June 1
In a twist to the fairy tale, the Huntsman ordered to take Snow White into the woods to be killed winds up becoming her protector and mentor in a quest to vanquish the Evil Queen.

*I really don’t like Kristen Bell but I really like Charlize and I can’t wait to see her be evil.

Prometheus – June 8
Ridley Scott, director of “Alien” and “Blade Runner,” returns to the genre he helped define. With PROMETHEUS, he creates a groundbreaking mythology, in which a team of explorers discover a clue to the origins of mankind on Earth, leading them on a thrilling journey to the darkest corners of the universe. There, they must fight a terrifying battle to save the future of the human race.

*geekin’. HARD.

Donny’s Boy/I Hate You, Dad – June 15
A father moves in with his son right before his wedding and soon begins sparring with his daughter-in-law.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter – June 22
President Lincoln’s mother is killed by a supernatural creature, which fuels his passion to crush vampires and their slave-owning helpers.
*I gotta do it.

Brave – June 22
Merida is a skilled archer and impetuous daughter of King Fergus and Queen Elinor. Determined to carve her own path in life, Merida defies an age-old custom sacred to the uproarious lords of the land: massive Lord MacGuffin, surly Lord Macintosh and cantankerous Lord Dingwall. Merida’s actions inadvertently unleash chaos and fury in the kingdom, and when she turns to an eccentric old Witch for help, she is granted an ill-fated wish. The ensuing peril forces Merida to discover the meaning of true bravery in order to undo a beastly curse before it’s too late.

*badass female cartoon lead. NICE!

G.I. Joe: Retaliation – June 29
The G.I. Joe team faces off against Zartan, his accomplices, and the world leaders he has under his influence.

*I said ‘yes’ only when Bruce Willis showed up. And to be real, Glitch Mob’s cover of The White Stripes’ “Seven Nation Army” kind of sold me.

Most anticipated of 2012 – Part II

All right, it’s time to cover March and April in Part II of my most anticipated films of 2012. Again, it’ll be video heavy and some dates are subject to change. Also, some of these don’t have a trailer nor do they have pictures. I’ll update once they do.

MARCH

Being Flynn – March 2
During his twenties, a young man works at various homeless shelters in Boston, where he often intersects with his brilliant but troubled father.

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters – March 2
15 years after their traumatic gingerbread-house incident, siblings Hansel and Gretel have become a formidable team of bounty hunters who track and kill witches all over the world.
No trailer yet. But we have this still!

Jeff, Who Lives at Home – March 2
Dispatched from his basement room on an errand for his mother, slacker Jeff might discover his destiny (finally) when he spends the day with his brother as he tracks his possibly adulterous wife.
No trailer yet. But we have this still!

Project X – March 2
“Project X” revolves around a group of kids documenting a house party that suddenly goes awry.

* might be stupid, but it will at least be gratuitous and over the top. I think I saw flames/flame throwers?

The Raven – March 9
A fictionalized account of the last days of Edgar Allan Poe’s life, in which the poet pursues a serial killer whose murders mirror those in the writer’s stories.

*it might end up being lame but…John Cusack. Or should I say, John CUTEsack? Wait, no. That’s not right.

Salmon Fishing in the Yemen – March 9
A fisheries expert is approached by a consultant to help realize a sheik’s vision of bringing the sport of fly-fishing to the desert and embark son an upstream journey of faith and fish to prove the impossible, possible.

*terrible title, looks enjoyable.

Butter – March 16
The setting: a closely watched contest in Iowa, the heartland of America and, to some, the bellwether of the nation. Initially, a win seems all but assured for the poised candidate with the famous name and a family legacy to claim. But then, the twist: a rival emerges, fresh-faced, appealing, effortlessly charismatic. Suddenly, it’s anybody’s game.

*this looks ridiculous, but I can’t help but love Sidney Bristow Jennifer Garner. Especially in a movie about butter.

The Hunger Games – March 23
Set in a future where the Capitol selects a boy and girl from the twelve districts to fight to the death on live television, Katniss Everdeen volunteers to take her younger sister’s place for the latest match.

*peeing in my pants I’m so excited for this!

The Deep Blue Sea – March 3
The wife of a British Judge is caught in a self-destructive love affair with a Royal Air Force pilot.

*my Hiddles!

Goon – March 30
Labelled an outcast by his brainy family, a bouncer overcomes long odds to lead a team of under performing misfits to semi-pro hockey glory, beating the crap out of everything that stands in his way.

*Hockey. In Canda. LIEV FUCKING SCHREIBER

The Pirates! Band of Misfits – March 30


*a lot of people I love are doing voice work for this, so I can’t not.

APRIL

American Reunion – April 6
Jim, Michelle, Stifler, and their friends reunite in East Great Falls, Michigan for their high school reunion.

*guess I’d better round it out and see all of ’em.

The Cold Light of Day – April 6
“The Cold Light of Day” centers on a young American whose family is kidnapped while on a vacation to Spain. He is left with only hours to find the connection between their disappearance and his father’s secrets.

Damsels in Distress – April 6
The movie revolves around a group of style-obsessed college girls who take in a new student (Gerwig) and teach her their misguided ways of helping people at their grungy university, sort of “Mean Girls” filtered through the lens of the filmmaker behind such urbane indie dramas as “Barcelona,” “Metropolitan” and “Disco.” The crux of the story is focused on the relationship between Gerwig’s character and a suitor (Brody), whom the girls are taken with but have doubts over his intentions.

The Cabin in the Woods – April 13
Five friends go to a remote cabin in the woods. Bad things happen. If you think you know this story, think again. From fan favorites Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard comes “The Cabin in the Woods,” a mind blowing horror film that turns the genre inside out.

*Joss! Fran! Amy! Ahhhh!

Movie 43 – April 13
A feature-film comprised of short comedy segments.
*this movie stars everyone – mostly good people. Something is bound to be enjoyable.

MS One: Maximum Security – April 20
A man wrongly convicted of conspiracy to commit espionage against the United States is offered his freedom… The Price ? He’ll have to rescue the president’s daughter from an outer space prison taken over by violent prisoners.

*I can’t NOT see this movie. It involves an outer space prison.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World – April 20
Steve Carell and Keira Knightley star in the comedy “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World,” which marks the feature directorial debut of screenwriter Lorene Scafaria (“Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist”). Set in a too-near future, the movie explores what people will do when humanity’s last days are at hand. As the respective journeys of Dodge (Carell) and Penny (Knightley) converge, the two spark to each other and their outlooks – if not the world’s – brighten.

Wettest County – April 20
Gangster meets Western in “The Wettest County,” the true story of the freewheelin’ Bondurants brothers, bootlegging siblings taking the law into their own hands. This is the story of the rural hard-men that created the big city gangsters. Brazen and fearless, these young rebel brothers helped build the American Dream in this exuberant tale of what was to become crime’s first major gold rush.
*Nick Cave wrote this. Whaaaat?

The Five Year Engagement – April 27
A comedy that charts the ups and downs of an engaged couple’s relationship.

*it doesn’t look amazing, but Jason Segel…

Safe – April 27
A former elite agent takes on a two-tier mission: rescue a Chinese girl who’s been abducted by the Triads, then use a safe combination to outwit the Russian Mafia, corrupt NYC officials, and the Triads themselves.

*if it stars Jason Statham, I’ll be seeing it without question.

Intruders – April TBA
The film tells parallel stories of two families whose lives are disrupted by menacing apparitions: in Spain, a mother tries to protect her son from a faceless stranger, while in Britain, a young girl has terrifying dreams of a demon who becomes a real danger to her and her family.

*this shit CRAY.

Most anticipated of 2012 – Part I

In a mere two-and-a-half weeks, 2012 will be upon us. Despite the fact that the world might end, I’m still banking on seeing all of these movies. I warn you: these posts will be loaded with videos (and maybe some crazy rambling.) Obviously, this isn’t every movie of 2012 (because that would be PURE INSANITY) but it will be…a lot. I’ve divided the list into six sections – two months per part.

(Some of these are limited release on the dates given. I’ll alter them as nation-wide dates become available!)

JANUARY
The Devil Inside – January 6
In Italy, a woman becomes involved in a series of unauthorized exorcisms during her mission to discover what happened to her mother, who allegedly murdered three people during her own exorcism.

*I can’t help myself. I love horror movies – especially ones about el diablo and possession!

Loosies – January 11
A young pickpocket in the New York subways, living a fast, free, lifestyle is confronted by a woman whom he had a one night affair with, she informs him that she is now pregnant with his child, he must now choose between continuing the lifestyle he lead or take responsibility for his actions.

*this has potential to either be a cute, fun movie or just dreadful. I guess only time will tell!

Albatross – January 13
In Albatross, Emelia Conan-Doyle is a cheeky 17-year-old and heir to the legacy of Arthur Conan Doyle. Determined to follow in her grandfather’s footsteps, Emelia attempts to write a book while working at a stuffy seaside resort hotel. The hotel is populated by blocked novelist Jonathan, his frustrated wife, and their daughter. It’s not long before Emelia seduces the husband and befriends the daughter.

Contraband – January 13
A security guard with financial troubles considers a return to his smuggling ways when an associate offers a potentially lucrative opportunity.

The Divide – January 13
In The Divide, nine strangers-all tenants of a New York high rise apartment-escape a nuclear attack by hiding out in the building’s bunker-like basement. Trapped for days underground with no hope for rescue, and only unspeakable horrors awaiting them on the other side of the bunker door, the group begins to descend into madness, each turning on one another with physical and psycho-sexual torment.

*I really enjoy apocalyptic movies and this looks out of control crazy.

Coriolanus – January 20
Caius Martius ‘Coriolanus’ (Ralph Fiennes), a revered and feared Roman General is at odds with the city of Rome and his fellow citizens. Pushed by his controlling and ambitious mother Volumnia (Vanessa Redgrave) to seek the exalted and powerful position of Consul, he is loath to ingratiate himself with the masses whose votes he needs in order to secure the office. When the public refuses to support him, Coriolanus’s anger prompts a riot that culminates in his expulsion from Rome. The banished hero then allies himself with his sworn enemy Tullus Aufidius (Gerard Butler) to take his revenge on the city.

Haywire – January 20
In “Haywire,” an electrifying tale of espionage and betrayal, a female covert ops specialist (Carano), who works in the deadly world of international operatives, strikes back after discovering she’s been double-crossed by someone close to her in the agency.

Underworld: Awakening – January 20
When human forces discover the existence of the Vampire and Lycan clans, a war to eradicate both species commences. The vampire warrioress Selene leads the battle against humankind.

The Grey – January 27
In The Grey, Liam Neeson leads an unruly group of oil-rig roughnecks when their plane crashes into the remote Alaskan wilderness. Battling mortal injuries and merciless weather, the survivors have only a few days to escape the icy elements and a vicious pack of rogue wolves on the hunt before their time runs out.

*Liam Neeson surviving and punching wolves in their fuckin’ faces.

Man on a Ledge – January 27
An ex-cop and now wanted fugitive (Sam Worthington) stands on the ledge of a high-rise building while a hard-living New York Police Department negotiator (Elizabeth Banks) tries to talk him down. The longer they are on the ledge, the more she realizes that he might have an ulterior objective.

*this will undoubtedly be cheesy and predictable, but it looks like a high-stakes break-in/heist movie, so I have to see it.

Rampart – January 27
Set in 1999 Los Angeles, veteran police officer Dave Brown, the last of the renegade cops, works to take care of his family, and struggles for his own survival.

*this shit looks intense. Woody + Steve + Sigourney? How can I say no?

FEBRUARY

W.E. – February 3
A two-tiered romantic drama focusing on the affair between King Edward VIII and American divorcée Wallis Simpson and a contemporary romance between a married woman and a Russian security guard.

The Woman in Black – February 3
A young lawyer travels to a remote village where he discovers the vengeful ghost of a scorned woman is terrorizing the locals.

Safe House – February 10
A young CIA agent is tasked with looking after a fugitive in a safe house. But when the safe house is attacked, he finds himself on the run with his charge.

*this is going to be badass. Even the trailer is badass. Denzel and “No Church in the Wild”? Boom. Done.

Gone – February 24
Jill Parrish (Amanda Seyfried) comes home from a night shift to discover her sister Molly has been abducted. Jill, who had escaped from a kidnapper a year before, is convinced that the same serial killer has come back for her sister. Afraid that Molly will be dead by sundown, Jill embarks on a heart-pounding chase to find the killer, expose his secrets and save her sister.

*oh, it won’t be good, but I just love Amanda Seyfried.

Snowtown – February 29
When 16 year-old Jamie begins a friendship with a charismatic man, his world becomes threatened by his loyalty and fear of his newfound father figure, John Bunting: Australia’s most notorious serial killer.

*Holy shitballs.