89: Drunk Film Review – it’s finally here! And it’s all about Ghost Rider

Yikes! Nearly two months since my last review. I feel so ashamed 😦 Somehow, my final quarter of college has been my most hectic. However, I did manage to make some time to get drunk, watch Ghost Rider, and review it. Tantalizing, I know. What follows is 9 minutes of a somewhat funny, quite drunk film review. Please to enjoy (and comment!)

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57: I Don’t Know How She Does It

I Don’t Know How She Does It – September 16, 2011
Starring: Sarah Jessica Parker, Greg Kinnear, Pierce Brosnan, Olivia Munn, Christina Hendricks
Written by: Aline Brosh McKenna
Directed by: Douglas McGrath

The plot: “A comedy centered on the life of Kate Reddy, a finance executive who is the breadwinner for her husband and two kids.” – IMDB

Welcome all of my lovely readers to the first live blog at threesixfivefilm. The film to be reviewed (and subsequently torn apart)? I Don’t Know How She Does It starring Carrie Bradshaw Sarah Jessica Parker. Read along while you watch if you feel like subjecting yourself what is probably one of the worst movies of the year.

@ 00:50 – Christina Hendricks is gushing about how ah-maaaaah-zing SJP is. How did I never realize how annoying Christina’s voice is? It doesn’t sound like this on Mad Men, does it?

@ 03:52 – After a hard day’s work, SJP claims “not too tired for you to put it in, Greg Kinnear.” Why do I foresee her being asleep when Greg returns to the room?

@ 04:07 – SJP is asleep. Predictable.

@ 06:25 – SJP’s daughter is a little brat who can’t accept that her mom works and travels. ONLY CARTOONS CAN SATIATE SUCH HATRED.

@ 06:37 – Cute to Christina still gushing in interview/documentary form. Am confused; what kind of movie is this? A mockumentary? A documentary? Is this just the style the director chose? Does Christina single white female the shit out of SJP in the end? That would make this next hour and a half worth it.

@ 08:10 – Oh, they have a nanny! And I’m supposed to be stunned that she somehow “does it all” when she leaves her kids alone for…9-10 hours a day? I think I know how she does it.

@ 10:11 – Busy Phillips sighting. This movie just got not completely entirely horrible.

@ 11:11 – Okay, so apparently there are these things called “Momsters” and they move in slo-mo and…is this a not funny Mean Girls 20 years later? I rescind my previous comment; the movie remains horrible.

@ 12:10 – SJP is trying to tell her boss (Frasier Krane) why she’s late. Despite having a lot of pretty top notch lies (or just telling him to fuck off), she chooses to say “mammogram.” Ah, nothing like a little “Well, I might have cancer,” lie to get the boss off your back!

@ 13:48 – SETH MEYERS? Why are good people in this movie? Greg, Busy, and Seth. I am completely astounded.

@ 14:50 – Enter Seth Meyers as the mega-douche commenting on double standards and how the shininess of shoes between sexes is a double standard. (Apparently people really care about the shine of a man’s shoe but a woman’s can be covered in horse shit. Who cares!) I can’t figure out if this movie is full of misogyny, misandry, or just hate for all humans everywhere.

@ 15:40 – SJP gets to go meet with some fancy corporate head person (Pierce Brosnan) in NY! You’re perfect! You have a job and two kids…and a nanny and an assistant and loads of money!!!

@ 16:13 – I guess Olivia Munn is the uptight, work-is-the-only-thing-that-matters, I’m-a-robot assistant. Come on, this trope? Really?

@ 19:19 – New York establishing montage scenes, as is customary in every movie!

@ 20:42 – SJP itching her head? Claims “stress eczema.” Bitch, you got lice!

@ 22:10 – Text to SJP’s phone “Emily SNT home with LICE. Whole family must b treated.” I’m just saying – either I am a psychic or this movie is painfully predictable.

@ 25:17 – Busy Phillips throwing shade at SJP for her kids getting lice because they’re dirty. Come on, B, what kind of mom are you? Lice are typically more attracted to lean hair.

@ 25:48 – Holy shit, they’re walking into a store called Lice Enders. can this be real? Are there entire (what looks to be) salons devoted to the removal of lice?

@ 34:34 – Late nights with the new partner/friend/whatever? Pierce Brosnan, I think you’re about to have a raging hard-on for SJP.

@ 38:30 – MONTAGE!

@ 39:30 – SJP and Greg symbolically watching His Girl Friday. Oh I get it, SJP is torn between just being a mom/wife or having a career.

@ 41:15 – Pierce Brosnan signing e-mails XO.

@ 42:40 – Oh God, Olivia Munn is pregnant and wants to abort it, but not before SJP guilt trips her with a Carrie Bradshaw-worthy speech about how amazing being a mom is. Is this going to turn into a right-wing, anti-abortion movie?

@ 46:20 – Oh, dig at Cleveland and it’s lack of famous sites from Pierce Brosnan. Good one – THERE’S THE ROCK HALL AND OTHER STUFF, YOU DICK.

@ 47:00 – Pierce and SJP go bowling. “See? We’re real people! We’re not just Wall Streeters or whatever, we stick our fingers in balls and wear stinky, ugly shoes, too! Just like you guys!”

@ 51:10 – SJP trying to make plans now that her project is calming down? Sorry, girl, you about to get slammed and Greg Kinnear will not be pleased.

@ 51:55 – Surprise! Olivia Munn is having the baby. But that doesn’t mean she’s suddenly all touchy-feely! Only about the baby.

@ 52:33 – “Being pregnant doesn’t feel awesome. Feels like a mistake. But lots of people have babies as mistakes.” Perfect. Perfect way of looking at your pregnancy. This won’t have any negative repercussions (well, probably not in the movie but in real life? Loads.)

@ 58:00 – Uh oh, something’s come up and you have to get to a meeting on Thanksgiving. Family or job? Job! But don’t worry. In 35 more minutes, I’ll figure out a way to balance the two out and we’ll all have learned a valuable lesson.

@ 1:02:51 – Pierce almost just told SJP he loves her. Quelle surprise!

@ 1:04:10 – Okay, so Olivia Munn is trying to tell SJP that Pierce is going to take all of the credit for their project, but he insists she join him at a lunch with the investor (or something) because they’re a team. And yet, Olivia Munn doesn’t get invited because what did she do except all the research!

@ 1:09:00 – Everything is going perfectly at work but at home, oh her life is crumbling down around her. You have to forgive me, Greg. You have to forgive me. You have forgive me. You have to. You have to forgive me Greg. Greg, you have to forgive me.

@ 1:11:11 – You know, it might be wrong of me to say but SJP has way more in common and way more chemistry with Pierce Brosnan. Maybe she should just…get with him? He’s a refined gentleman and dat accent!

@ 1:12:30 – Holy Christ, is SJP a grown-up manic pixie dream girl to Pierce Brosnan’s cynical loner?

@ 1:13:40 – “Reasons it’s okay if I don’t work at Edwin-Morgan-Forrester anymore…because trying to be a man is a waste of a woman.” I can’t. I can’t even.

@ 1:15:30 – So, I told my boss I couldn’t be as available as he hoped and he said it was okay. Ha, bet things would have been a bit easier if I had just done that to begin with. Hindsight and all that. We’re fine now!

@ 1:16:00 – Carrie Bradshaw speech.

@ 1:18:45 – Oh look at that, Olivia Munn had that baby and she loves him, it made her whole or human or whatever. Was this movie funded by the American Family Association?

@ 1:20:020 – Finally, SJP’s classic big dumb grin. And Pierce and Christina got together. It all worked out in the end!

Roll credits, roll eyes. I don’t know who this movie was made for. Probably moms who would watch this and go “Oh god, that’s totally me,” or they would say “Shut up, SJP. Your life is easy compared to mine.” Because some women have four or five kids, are single, have to leave the kids with a family member, and then work two different jobs and spend two hours in total at home with their kids just to barely pay the bills.

Also, this movie featured zero people of color, zero people of different classes, and zero people standing for “alternative lifestyles.” It was a big, entitled, conservative WASP-fest.

And I still don’t know how/why people were being interviewed. What was the point and how did it even kind of logically fit in to the narrative style?

NO STARS

23: Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides

Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides
Starring: Johnny Depp, Penelope Cruz, Geoffrey Rush, Ian McShane, Sam Claflin
Written by: Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio
Directed by: Rob Marshall

The plot: “Captain Jack Sparrow (Depp) crosses paths with a woman from his past (Cruz), and he’s not sure if it’s love — or if she’s a ruthless con artist who’s using him to find the fabled Fountain of Youth. When she forces him aboard the Queen Anne’s Revenge, the ship of the formidable pirate Blackbeard (McShane), Jack finds himself on an unexpected adventure in which he doesn’t know who to fear more: Blackbeard or the woman from his past.” – Walt Disney Pictures

My thoughts: Guh. Everyone told me that this was better than the third one. Better? No. Different? Yes. But in all honesty, it was a different kind of bad.

I was so, so bored while watching this movie. And let me be honest and say that I snuck in to see this movie at about 3 in the afternoon. It was slow and contrived and a little confusing and just tiresome. It’s the same plot over and over and it’s gotten extremely stale. Again – Captain Jack must exceed all odds to get some form of “treasure” whatever it may be. In this case, it’s the Fountain of Youth.

The mermaids were such a cheap play. It was built up as though they would be an integral part in the plot and they were on screen for a whole 10 minutes. And to be honest, all I saw was anti-feminist bullshit. The women in this movie (that would be Cruz and the mermaids (of which only one has a name)) are depicted as being evil temptresses who manipulate men by using their feminine wiles and sexuality. Sure, Cruz’s character is an empowered pirate, but it’s cancelled out when we see that she’s self-involved and will do anything to get what she wants. Excellent portrayal of women, Disney. Constantly damsels in distress or guilty of the worst sins.

Stars: 0/5 (nothing about this was memorable or redeemable)

12: Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Transformers: Dark of the Moon – June 28, 2011
Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Rosie Huntington-Whitley, John Malkovich, Frances McDormand, Alan Tudyk, Tyrese Gibson, Josh Duhamel, John Tuturro, Patrick Dempsey
Written by: Ehren Kruger
Directed by: Michael Bay

The plot: The Autobots learn of a Cybertronian spacecraft hidden on the Moon, and race against the Decepticons to reach it and to learn its secrets. – IMDB

My thoughts: Transformers Dark of the Moon, how do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways. Just kidding, there isn’t a number high enough to allow me to do so. My brother downloaded this in hopes of playing a drinking game and laughing our asses off. Do you know what ended up happening? We hated our lives and wondered why we had decided to do this to ourselves. My brother fell asleep during the “climax” of the movie.

This movie is 2 hours and 25 minutes from opening scene to final scene – I’m not adding in credits. It is 2 and a half hours all on its own. While I firmly believe that this movie shouldn’t even have been made (though I get why it was, this shit slays at the box office), at the very least it should have been an hour and a half. The first three quarters of the movie were comprised of Shia LaBeouf feeling entitled and screaming, overtly sexual shots of the Megan Fox replacement, and a script that seemed to have been written by a schizophrenic. Oh and lots and lots of cars!

What baffled me most was the cast. Three of my favorites (Frances, John, and Alan), it was like a film/TV buff’s fantasy come to life. I would say that they were the saving graces of the movie, but there’s just no saving this movie. John Malkovich was his usual hilarious/scary self (I think he was wearing veneers? It only made him more unsettling to look at.) Frances McDormand was a sassy bitch, which I liked, but was in it for a hot two seconds. And Alan Tudyk, perhaps the epitome of a sci-fi geek’s dream, was…well I don’t even know what his character was. He seemed to be a German (Austrian? Somewhere over there, I think) butler to John Tuturro’s character who was some kind of ex-spy? I mean, I liked it – I’m all for Alan in any capacity but it was certainly strange.

And then there was the bit about Megan Fox not being there. Tiny little robots gave Sam Witwicky a pep talk about how the last girl didn’t respect him and couldn’t deal with his life, but that didn’t make much sense because ole’ Foxy’s character was around for two movies, I would say she was dealing with the Autobot life just fine. Plus, let me be real, if I were Sam’s ex-girlfriend and the world was for real being taken over by Decepticons, you’d better believe I would be showing up to his house asking for help.

For being a movie based on an 80s cartoon, the plot was slightly convoluted. Though maybe less full of plot holes than Revenge of the Fallen, there were still bits that made me go “Huh?” And more than anything, I was bored. I watch these movies because I like seeing shit get blown up. And the last 30 minutes were the only real explosions, and even then, it was lackluster.

So was anything good? Actually, there was one cool thing they did. At one point, a building is being split in half so the top is starting to tip over. Of course this makes for lots of sliding and falling action. At one point, Josh Duhamel yells “Jump out the windows!” and when they do, they start sliding down the building. And Michael Bay, with a stroke of genius, had the character shoot through the glass below them so that they would fall back into the building on a different floor. Actually quite clever. Now, if only the entire movie had been that clever.

I hated this movie. Hated it. I’m glad I didn’t spend any money on it but I’m upset that I bothered to watch it when I could have been watching Arrested Development reruns or catching up on The Killing. If it hadn’t been for the few bit roles, I might have killed myself so I could go to Robot Heaven and confront the Autobots up there.

NO STARS