97: Red Lights (Robert DeNiro is in this – don’t get too excited)

Okay, so I feel shameful about the last two months – I’ve been a complete and utter failure when it comes to this blog. Let’s just forget it and pretend it never happened. Moving on.

Red Lights – July 13, 2012
Starring: Cillian Murphy, Sigourney Weaver, Robert DeNiro
Written and directed by: Rodrigo Cortes

The plot: “Psychologist Margaret Matheson and her assistant study paranormal activity, which leads them to investigate a world-renowned psychic who has resurfaced years after his toughest critic mysteriously passed away.” – IMDB

Red Lights? Just okay. I mostly watched it because:

A. Robert DeNiro. I’m not even entirely sure how I feel about him as an actor, I just know that I’m compelled to see things that are “starring Robert DeNiro.” I feel like I’m obligated to as a human being. No? Just me? Well, fine.
B. I think Sigourney Weaver is kind of a badass so yeah, I like watching shit starring the ol’ Sigournz.
C. (This is by far the most important point, FYI.) I want to put my body all over Cillian Murphy’s and I will offer no apologies for that sentiment. I want to press my stuff against his and hear him talk in his sweet, sweet Irish accent, and brush his beautiful hair across my face, and…well, I don’t want to turn this into an erotic fiction/fantasy post.

I WANT TO TURN IT INTO AN EROTIC REALITY.

Sorry. Let’s not and say I didn’t. Let’s get back to business.

The movie was about debunking psychics and extrasensory perception and all that hogwash.

Look at that face. That is the epitome of perfection. I wish to bask in his beauty for eternity.

Wait. I’ve got a question. If debunking is disproving the existence of something, is bunking proving it? When someone says to me “I drink the leftover milk from Fruity Pebbles,” can I then say “BUNK IT, ASSHOLE!” and then hand him a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and then I proceed to either bunk or debunk it?

Anyway, the movie is about that above and spends a majority of the time saying “Hey. This shit is all fake and we’re just going to reveal someone who fooled everyone real good,” and then the end is a ~twist~ basically saying “You guys thought it was fake? IT ISN’T! In fact, our main character has been displaying ESP this whole time and you just didn’t even realize it.”

I think someone may have pulled the plot of this movie out of a trash can in a diner in which M. Night Shamalamabingbang ate a bacon cheeseburger*. I imagine his ideas went something like this:

(written on a cocktail napkin, ‘natch)

Investigator A and B out to prove paranormal stuff FAKE.
Robert DeNiro is awesome but a phony. Very mysterious to lead audience in wrong direction.
Emphasize how FAKE all the ESP stuff is. Make sure lots of mystery surrounds DeNiro. Shrouded in shadows. Sharp violins whenever he is on screen. Dress him all in black. He is an enigma.
Investigator A dies for no reason. Adds to mystery. Leave unanswered to make everything more puzzling. RED HERRING.
Investigator B has ESP! He’s had it all along!
LOTS OF FLASHBACKS!!!

(This is a lot of plot planning. He may have opened the napkin up. I’d imagine there are some tears in the paper because napkins in diners are just not high quality. They disintegrate with a mere drop of water. Imagine what a pointy pen could do!)

There was a fair amount of intrigue going on. I wanted to know when Cillian Murphy would be taking his clothes off and for how long they would remain off (it never happened. Not once.) I wanted to know when Cillian would use his real accent (he didn’t do this and frankly it would have been odd and out of character if he had.) I wanted to know when a goddamn ghost would appear (not one goddamn ghost or spirit or apparition or Casper.)

So what’s the verdict? Much like an M. Night Shapoopie movie where most people say “Eh…maybe this one will deliver. Maybe this one will be y’know, like, good.” This is the wrong train of thought.

Only watch this movie if you want to see perfect hair, beautiful cheekbones, and a big full mouth that could really…form words really well.

*Twist: M. Night Sham-Wow is a vegetarian. Flashbacks to M. Night Shampoo only ever eating veggies. IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

Stars: 1/5

92: Safe House (spoilers that you could never hope to guess even a little bit)

Safe House – February 10, 2012
Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Denzel Washington
Written by: David Guggenheim
Directed by: Daniel Espinosa

The plot: “A young CIA agent is tasked with looking after a fugitive in a safe house. But when the safe house is attacked, he finds himself on the run with his charge.” – IMDB

My thoughts: Hold on tight, guys, because you’ll never see the twist in this movie coming. Not in a million years. No other film can prepare you for what you’re in for if you watch Safe House, the most unique movie to come along in nearly three decades.

For the first time ever, Denzel plays an ex-government agent in trouble with the law. But is he really guilty of all those crimes the CIA is accusing him of?

FUCK NO. When is Denzel ever really a bad guy (okay, so Training Day but that’s basically just the opposite of this movie)?

And young Ryan Reynolds. Will he continue to ignorantly love his country despite all of the evidence stacking up in front of his eyes and Denzel being strangely honest and frank with him?

FUCK NO. Ryan Reynolds will begin to doubt anything and despite attempting to see the good in his government/higher-ups, a single, solitary statement by his mentor will change everything. Complete 180! Shock! Awe! Disbelief.

And what about that guy that seems shifty but come on, could it be that easy? Could he really be the one pulling the strings? Surely it’s just a red herring and it’s just too bad that he seems so shady. It can’t possibly be him!

FUCK YES IT CAN BE. The moment he comes on screen and seems a bit too kind and decent and yet oddly secretive, well, sorry David Guggenheim, everyone just figured out all your little plot twists and secrets.

Action? Good. Denzel? Cool as hell. Ryan Reynolds? All-American rippling abs and a heart of gold. Everyone else? Vanilla government agents. I don’t know what I expected. Oh well, at least “No Church in the Wild” played in the end. That song was sick in the trailer.

Stars: 1/5

P.S. This movie is like…an hour too long. The only thing that happens for an hour and fifteen minutes is Ryan Reynolds chases Denzel, catches him, and loses him. Lather, rinse, repeat as unnecessary.

64: New Year’s Eve (yes, I did.)

New Year’s Eve – December 9, 2011
Starring: Everyone. I can’t be bothered to write out everyone in this movie.
Written by: Katherine Fugate
Directed by: Garry Marshall

The plot: “The lives of several couples and singles in New York intertwine over the course of New Year’s Eve.” – IMDB

My thoughts: Why did I watch this? I don’t know. I think I just have to see some movies so that I can say whether they were really as bad or as good as everyone else said. You know, in the case that everyone is wrong!

It’s not that NYE was bad it’s just that it was super, insanely bland and painfully predictable. There isn’t much of a plot – just a bunch of couples or inevitable couples or relationships or whatever and we see their little “vignettes” (I think that’s too nice a word to be applied to this movie) for an hour-and-a-half (which you won’t get back.)

There are pregnant ladies and overbearing moms and know-it-all teenagers and rock stars and all kinds of bullshit and despite the opportunity to have a huge range of stories their all really…blah.

And worse yet? Not a single “alternative” lifestyle was shown. No gay couples and no interracial couples. Just vanilla, middle-upper class people falling in love and doing unbearably “cute” things.

Okay, sorry. Ludacris and Halle Berry were in the movie for about a millisecond. It was cancelled out by the blandness that is Katherine Heigl and Lea Michelle. And let’s be real, in the poster they look pretty fair skinned.

I don’t even want to spend analyzing any sexism/classism/whateverism that was in the movie because it just isn’t worth the effort. Bottom line: it was utnoriginal and boring and bland. I can only give it a point because some people in the cast made for nice eye candy. It didn’t make me want to jump off a cliff or anything, it just made me want to multi-task and never recommend this to anyone unless they don’t mind losing about 2 hours.

Stars: 1/5

59: Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark – August 26, 2011
Starring: Guy Pearce, Katie Holmes, Bailee Madison
Written by: Guillermo del Toro, Matthew Robbins
Directed by: Troy Nixey

The plot: “A young girl sent to live with her father and his new girlfriend discovers creatures in her new home who want to claim her as one of their own.” – IMDB

My thoughts: Unfortunately, I wasn’t especially impressed by this movie. I’m a big fan of horror movies and love when they either a.) genuinely scare me or b.) fuck with me until I’m scared/super uncomfortable. In the case of this movie, I was never scared nor was it so crazy or weird that I felt unsettled. It was predictable and overdone.

On top of the predictability of it, there were a few plot holes that made it hard for me to buy into the “believability” of the story. I’m going to list a few so yes, there will be spoilers.

1. Katie Holmes is an expert on some famous painter that lived in this cursed house they live in. Someone who suffered at the hands of the creatures in the house tells her to go to the nearest library and to an exact section. She gets there and asks a librarian who takes her directly to this secret, private, “never tell the public” vault of this artist’s work which basically lays out what’s happening in the house.

So my question is, even though this vault was meant to be top secret and undisclosed, this librarian just brought a random person back there without a question or without asking for identification or without getting some kind of approval?

2. About 3/4s of the way through the movie, Bailee Madison encounters the creatures and freaks the fuck out before smashing one of them on the wall, thereby leaving physical proof that these things are real and she isn’t some overly-imaginative troublemaker. And yet, it’s never mentioned or noted by anyone at all. Right, I’m so sure.

The best part was the opening scene/opening credits. The opening scene was intriguing and definitely creepy. If the movie had been as dark and mysterious as the first few minutes, it would have been better. Also, the opening credits were done by Ben Alpass and a team of illustrators and animators and they were awesome. I’ve embedded the video for your viewing pleasure.

The fact is, it was just a very anti-climactic movie without any real twists or turns. The acting was all right – not particularly impressive or noteworthy. Let’s just say Katie Holmes wasn’t unbearable. It was kind of a let down as I have high hopes and expectations for del Toro.

Stars: 1/5

51: The Art of Getting By

The Art of Getting By – January 23, 2011
Starring: Freddie Highmore, Emma Roberts, Michael Angarano, Rita Wilson
Written and directed by: Gavin Wiesen

The plot: “George, a lonely and fatalistic teen who’s made it all the way to his senior year without ever having done a real day of work, is befriended by Sally, a popular but complicated girl who recognizes in him a kindred spirit.” – IMDB

My thoughts: If I have to watch another movie about an intelligent but not-living-up-to-his-potential, friendless but nothing really not likable about him, falling in love with the first girl who talks to him and teaches him that there’s more to life than just being pessimistic and aloof, self-proclaimed weird kid or loner, I’m going to stick my eyeballs with forks. (Even though I guess I don’t have to watch anything, but you know what I mean.)

Not a fan of this movie but that’s probably because it’s been made dozens of times and it’s been done better. George is an artist (but is he really? Because *gasp* I’d never really considered myself an artist, just a doodler even though they’re fan-fucking-tastic and everyone – literally everyone – tells me they’re great) who totally realizes that there’s more to life than homework and of course he can skate by without doing anything or having any friends because that’s how everyone who knows anything about anything lives their lives. And of course, George is also hyper-intelligent and says things that no adult says in real life. I went to high school for four years and I never once encountered a kid who said shit like, “And there you go with the mind games, treacherous, sadistic little hussy” and if he did, I would have punched him in the mouth.

And then there’s Sally. A toned-down manic pixie dream girl, but an MPDG regardless. Oh, she’s totally just like him even though she has friends and goes to parties and is pretty, but underneath all of that, she sees the trouble with people and just wants someone who really gets her. All the same, we never really learn anything about her except for her weird relationship with her parents. What does she do? I don’t know. What does she like? I think she likes magically getting served at bars despite definitely not looking 21 and saying the God-awful line of “I love this song” while talking to a guy at said bar.

They get together. I’m spoiling it for you, but let’s get real, do these movies ever end differently? George gets his heart broken because he thought that Sally was cool with just being “whatever” and waiting around until he figured his shit out and made a real move, so she gets a boyfriend. And this causes much distress for George – so much so that he listens to the same song for 12 hours (for real, from dinner time until morning) on his iPod (and rather than setting the fucking thing to repeat, he proceeds to click the ‘back’ button every time the song ends. Feel free to wallow but stop being a dumbass about it. And he doesn’t even listen to the song with his headphones in so his parents have to deal with melodramatic, hormonal bullshit.)

The only redeeming thing about this movie was the soundtrack, so it can have one star. Otherwise, this movie was uninspired, boring, and at this point, the high school loner meets beautiful, vivacious girl who somehow likes him plot is overdone to the point of me preferring eye-gouging to having to endure it for the millionth time.

Stars: 1/5

47: Conan the Barbarian (not the one with Ah-nold)

Conan the Barbarian – August 19, 2011
Starring: Jason Momoa, Rose McGowan, Rachel Nichols, Ron Perlman
Written by: Thomas Dean Donnely, Joshua Oppenheimer, Sean Hood
Directed by: Marcus Nispel

The plot: “The tale of Conan the Cimmerian and his adventures across the continent of Hyboria on a quest to avenge the murder of his father and the slaughter of his village.” – IMDB

My thoughts: Yes, the truth is that I spent two hours watching this movie and the truth is also that it wasn’t very good, not that expected anything different than that. So let’s just get on with the reviewing that will hopefully be better than the movie was.

Jason Momoa. Hot hot man candy, it is something that can’t be denied. Oh, he can wield a sword and grunt and crash into things with the best of them, but that does not a quality movie make. I can’t say that I’m at all familiar with the character of Conan the Barbarian, so I can’t say whether he makes a quality on-screen version of him, but I would have to guess he did a considerably better job than the Governor of California did in ’82.

The movie was rife with sexism and misogyny and was…testosterone driven to say the least. Of course, I suppose that fits the character of Mr. Barbarian because, well, he’s a barbarian and by definition, they are uncivilized and brutish. It only makes sense that he should do things in a less than pleasant manner. He even states that in life, “I live. I love. I slay. And I am content.” And by “love” he means he does sex to ladies and he does just that in the immediately following scene because the female lead damsel in distress is apparently moved by his lone-ranger attitude, no doubt a result of both mommy and daddy issues.

And I just want to make a point of saying that Rachel Nichol’s is a damsel in distress throughout this entire movie. Sure, she manages to fight a little bit, but when she’s not staring longingly at Conan (I can’t blame her) she’s being kidnapped. All the time the girl is being kidnapped. She’s even kidnapped by Conan. He says “Woman. Come here. I said come here.” And she just does it and he ties her up. Then she asks him why he would save her then tie her up and he says, “If I possess you, he [Conan’s arch-nemesis] must come to me.” And she is (I think rightfully) outraged at the usage of the word “possess” so he says “go to sleep” and when she keeps talking, he tears a piece of cloth and shoves it in her mouth.

Real nice, Conan. Just the kind of guy I want to bring home to my mother.

The action scenes are okay. To be honest, I was unimpressed. It was a lot of grunting and uninspired fight scenes and for being Conan the Barbarian, some kind of legendary man, he sure is shit at actually killing the people that need killing.

What’s only a bit creepier than Rose McGowan’s lack of eyebrows and extreme hairline is her portrayal of Marique. As far as I understand it, she’s some kind of witch girl who has a penchant to taste girls’ blood to find out if it’s pure before punching them in the stomach with a fancy Freddy Kreuger glove. And yet, I think in one scene she propositions in her own father? And he gets really close to her and presses his thumb to her trembling (yeah, I mean it) lip before grabbing her face and pushing her away.

All she wants is to be loved!

No, but seriously, this movie fell short when it could have been a bit more of a success. The most enjoyable scene was the first one in which young Conan destroys a group of ancient thugs (I’m sorry, I’m not sure what else to call them), cuts their heads off and brings them back to the town. It was most decidedly awesome.

The plot was tired (come on, it’s been done a million times in the exact same way. Warrior must get revenge on a bad person who killed someone he loved. Meets sexy lady who plays into the plot somehow and they really “get along” if you know what I mean. After an arduous journey, he succeeds and finally accepts the death of his loved one) and the characters were a bit boring. I mean, I didn’t mind watching a sweaty, shirtless Jason Momoa perform some serious ass-kicking, but I kept wondering how the movie could be two hours long and when it would just end.

Stars: 1/5 (.5 for the hotness of Jason Momoa and .5 for badass mini-Conan in the beginning.)

27: Peep World (uuuuuggggggghhhhhhh)

Peep World – March 25, 2011
Starring: Ben Schwartz, Sarah Silverman, Michael C. Hall, Judy Greer, Rainn Wilson, Ron Rifkin
Written by: Peter Himmelstein
Directed by: Barry W. Blaustein

The plot: “On the day of their Father’s 70th birthday party, four siblings come to terms with the publication of a novel written by the youngest sibling, that exposes the family’s most intimate secrets.” – IMDB

My thoughts: Ignore the Laurel leaves on the cover of the movie, this movie was a complete and utter disappointment. It had such promise – an amazing cast and a potentially awesome plot. And yet I found myself bored and wishing the movie would pick up. But it didn’t.

There was a hot second with Ben Schwartz (known to Parks & Rec fans as Jean-Ralphio) and a raging erection that I found to be humorous but the moment quickly came and went. My real dilemma is that this movie starts off at the climax and then pulls the whole “let’s found out how we got here”. Well done, I liked the idea. The problem was, it didn’t deliver. The characters were almost fleshed out and the plots were almost interesting. But it just didn’t play out as anticipated. And to top it all off, you can mark it as being yet another movie that doesn’t bother take full advantage of the the spectacular Judy Greer.

Peep World was like the bad nephew in your family. You give it the benefit of the doubt and you can see what potential it has but all it does is lets you down. Unless you’re a die-hard fan of one of the actors, don’t bother.

Stars: 1/5

14: The Ledge (don’t do it! Please, dont!)

The Ledge – May 26, 2011
Starring: Patrick Wilson, Liv Tyler, Terrence Howard, Charlie Hunnam
Written and directed by: Matthew Chapman

The plot: “A thriller in which a battle of philosophies between a fundamentalist Christian and an atheist escalates into a lethal battle of wills. Ultimately, as a test of faith, or lack of it, the believer forces the non-believer onto the ledge of a tall building. He then has one hour to make a choice between his own life and someone else’s. Without faith in an afterlife, will he be capable of such a sacrifice?” – Foresight at IMDB

My thoughts: This movie had such potential. It had a good premise with a lot of room for stimulating, intellectual thought. But the philosophical ideas brought up were so…Philosophy 101. The debates between atheism versus fundamental Christianity were accessible, which I guess is a good thing. It might make an audience who wasn’t actively seeking out a deep film open their eyes to new ideas without being overwhelmed.

Terrence Howard’s plot was a bit extraneous, definitely not integral to the main movement of the film. Patrick Wilson was excellent at being an overbearing, patriarchal, sexist husband to the quiet damsel-in-distress, trapped Liv Tyler. And Charlie Hunnam (known to the internet as “The Poor Man’s Heath Ledger”) was not so good as the main character, Gavin. His emotion always seemed to be the same – a smug asshole.

But my main qualm with the film? Gavin is standing on the edge of a building talking to a cop. He’s got a solid hour or two to change his situation and instead? He tells his entire God damn life story to the cop. To me, nothing is worse than making stupid protagonists. In this context, Gavin is painted as an intelligent human being – he seeks out information and spends time postulating. And for the sake of plot, I’m supposed to believe that he’s still stupid enough not to try to change his situation? I don’t buy it.

The only reason I don’t mind that I watched this movie, in all honesty, is that Patrick Wilson is hot hot hot, even when he’s a Bible thumper.

Stars: 1/5

13: Something Borrowed

Something Borrowed – May 6, 2011
Starring: Ginnifer Goodwin, Kate Hudson, John Krasinski, Colin Egglesfield, Steve Howey
Written by: Jennie Snyder
Directed by: Luke Greenfield

The plot: “Friendships are tested and secrets come to the surface when terminally single Rachel falls for Dex, her best friend Darcy’s fiancé.” – IMDB

My thoughts: A very, very, very (I can’t stress the word “very” enough) typical chick flick about love, best friends, and women finally learning that they’re allowed to be aggressive.

I hate that these movies always have a protagonist who just can’t seem to put her foot down and get her way. Why can’t we see a powerful, strong woman that men can’t keep up with or that are intimated by her success? No, instead we get girls who get walked all over because they’re afraid of how they’ll be perceived. While I appreciate that this movie looks at (though, not that seriously) the ethics of a sticky situation like being in love with your best friend’s fiancé.

What irritated about the movie is that it doesn’t take a stance on whether cheating is or isn’t okay and if it is okay, when it is. For the duration of the film, we (along with Goodwin’s character, Rachel) are going back and forth about what she should do. Should she go after what she has always wanted or should she “do the right thing” and let the wedding happen. And for a while the audience (or at least I) leaned toward saying she should let the guy make his choice but not get involved, but toward the end of the movie, it’s revealed that the best friend has been cheating and is pregnant, which suddenly validates Rachel’s affair – like they cancel each other out.

John Krasinski’s character was adorable – pretty much just Jim Halpert in a romantic comedy setting. His character, Ethan, knows all about Rachel and Dex’s affair. For about three-quarter’s of the film, he’s the platonic best friend and it was refreshing. It was refreshing to see a male and female just be friends, which When Harry Met Sally insists isn’t possible. And of course, at the end, Ethan is confessing his love for Rachel. Because how can men and women just be friends? It’s not like it’s an every day occurring event.

A plus to the film? It ended a little ambiguously. Rather than fast forwarding four years and seeing everyone back to being perfectly happy and best friends, we see the two best friends two months later, seemingly having not spoken since all the truths came out. They have an awkward exchange and we find that both are happy and there is hope that one day, their relationship might get back to a good place.

I’m a sucker for chick flicks and while I did giggle a few times, as a whole, the film was a let down.

Stars: 1/5

10: Rad (and it was, in the worst way)

Rad – 1986
Starring: Lori Laughlin and Talia Shire
Written by: Sam Bernard and Geoffery Edwards
Directed by: Hal Needham

The plot: The story of Cru Jones, a young man who can overcome all obstacles that prevent him from participating in the BMX race “Helltrack.” As he works towards his dream, Cru falls in love with Christian, an amateur racer. With the help of Christian and her friends, can Cru’s “Rad Racing Team” defeat the top BMX factory rider, Bart Taylor? – Josh Petras at IMDB

My thoughts: A movie about a kid named Cru who BMX’s and Aunt Becky is involved? The height of perfection as far as I’m concerned. Where to begin with this one? There’s the super hip language, the fact that the track is called “Helltrack”, or maybe Lori Laughlin’s stunt double. Maybe I’ll just go with it, stream of consciousness style.

Favorite quote of the movie? Well, it comes from Cru’s cool little sister who said “shit” a lot. Some dumb girl came up to her and asked if she was waiting to get picked up to which she said “No, you blimp, I’m meditating.” Not only did I laugh during the movie, I learned something: true love comes from ass-sliding. And in case you’re wondering about ass-sliding, you’re just going to have to see the bond it creates between two people. And some other good news, Rad is available in its entirety on YouTube, so there’s no reason not to see it.

What else made Rad so great? Well, there’s all the John Farnham for one. And I’ve got to give them props for having a Sparks song thrown in there, too. And then there’s the dance scene. There are three reasons it’s so good, one being that there are two twins who look like Michael Ian Black and they’re dancing is so on the spot and hip, two being that there is BMX bike “dancing”. Pay close attention to “Lori Laughlin” in the scene. She becomes distinctly masculine and mulleted. And the third reason being that it’s all set to Real Life’s “Send Me An Angel.” As Polly from Teen Witch would say, “Top that!”

Stars: 1/5 (which really means 5/5 because it’s so awful it’s RAD!)